This page has moved to a new address.

Things to Which I'm Ready to Set Fire

In the "Cult of Escapism": Things to Which I'm Ready to Set Fire

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Things to Which I'm Ready to Set Fire

Since hearing that Adele song “Set Fire to the Rain,” I've been determined to actually do so. I'm assuming it can be done, but would involve extremely dangerous chemicals. If any one has any suggestions, I have plenty of time and plenty of rain with which to experiment.

We're now at the point in Panama where it's about certain to rain every day, typically in the afternoon, which restricts me to a half day of activities and guarantees that my clothing will never dry, even if it was not wet in the first place (this is true). While I appreciate the cooling effect of the rain, if I could set fire to it and get rid of it, I would. Here are some other things to which I would (and might) set fire:

  • All of my clothing – exactly 100% of my clothing smells bad. Some of it smells almost unbearably bad, but with a month left and so much rain, I figure I'll just wear what I have and then burn it all on the way out. Some of my clothes I've been able to sell (with adequate warnings) as part of my house cleaning/fund raising, but if I don't sell it all, I'm seriously considering burning the remainder.
  • The ants next to my deck – this would be a delicate move, given the proximity to the house and that I don't want to burn any of my carefully cultivated grass. But those little bastards have been biting my feet for two years and then retreating underground to mock me. They probably have tiny computers with tiny YouTube videos of me cursing and slapping my feet. If I could selectively set fire to just them, I would. 
(Anecdote! I actually did set fire to some ants once. Another volunteer told me about the thrill and satisfaction of pouring alcohol on a line or swarm of ants and then dropping a match. So I did just that and those ants just disappeared. And there was a very faint, but very satisfying, popping sound. There's still a black mark on my floor – totally worth it.)
  • If you squeezed that frame, it would crumble
    My back window – this would be another difficult undertaking since I don't want to burn any other part of the house. My back window was never really properly installed and I never made any attempt to fix it, so every time I open it I have to lift and pull in a particular manner, which is awkward and unnecessarily difficult. Additionally, for whatever reason, this window has housed nearly all of my resident termites for the past two years. It got so bad that I actually doused the entire window in extremely hazardous, poisonous chemicals that I definitely should not have been handling. It's probably the closest I've ever come to killing myself and I will almost certainly create deformed children. Yet they still managed to survive long enough to hollow out the frame and all four sides of the wooden window. So now when I execute the necessary lift-and-pull, the window feels like it will just break into pieces, which it legitimately might. Best to just set it on fire.

Anyway, I realize that the 'Adele song'-'Things that annoy me' connection was pretty weak, but I needed a medium through which to complain about some of the physical challenges of life down here. Now, who wants to send me a barrel of gasoline?


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home