Life with Amoebas

Amoebas are a one celled protozoa that have certain virulent strains that make you poop water every two hours until you have the good sense, four days later, to go to the hospital. Life with amoebas significantly changes even the most mundane of activities, as you can see from this useful and extremely scientific chart:

Activity	Normally	With Amoebas
Walking Around	With good weather, a pleasant and healthy activity	Too risky, might poop pants
Sitting in a Hammock Reading a Book	Leisurely way to spend free time	Your only safe option, as long as the latrine is close
Cooking	Sometimes fun, always necessary to feed oneself	Pointless, you won’t be able to eat it anyway
Talking to People	Important part of community integration and generally enjoyable	Too risky, might poop pants
Conducting a Meeting	Doing my job	I wonder what they’d think of me, as a professional, if I pooped my pants right now?
Using the Latrine	Once every few days	Every two hours, it’s a war.
Riding the Bus to the Hospital	Why would I need to go to the hospital?	Do we really need to stop and pick those people up?

I have since received powerful drugs that work, I understand, like little nuclear bombs, killing everything, good and bad, inside my general intestinal area. I feel a lot, lot better, but I’ve heard I don’t have any white blood cells anymore for a while. We’ll see how that works out for me.