Latrines and Your Enjoyment

Note: Women probably will not be able to relate to this blog post*.

Latrines prevent you from enjoying a good poop. So do grimy public bathrooms. Think about when you’re at home, a comfortable toilet at your disposal – pooping is a relaxing, enjoyable experience.

Now think about this. You have a big report due tomorrow and it’s not done. If you pause and watch a few minutes of TV, you feel guilty, if you get side-tracked on the internet and check the sports pages, you feel guilty. Hell, you even eat your meals quickly and work while you eat so as not to waste precious time. But if you need to poop, once you sit down, that’s your time and no level of obligation will take it from you.

You sit down and feel the release and relax with the thought, even if unconscious, that you have these minutes to yourself. It’s between you and the toilet bowl. You could receive a phone call saying your family is trapped in a burning building across the street and you would keep sitting, cause this is your time.

Latrines take that time. They befoul it with their stench and uncomfortable seats and insect assaults. Nights are even worse as the bugs seem to double their numbers and you feel like at any moment, the Candyman will attack from the deep with his hook**. You poop in latrines because you absolutely have to, wishing you didn’t and hoping it will end soon. It’s terrible. It’s unreasonable for God’s sake.

That’s why I propose a new arm of development work – the Toilet Seat arm. Every year, thousands of volunteers from the rich world go abroad to do charity work – in medicine, construction, poverty reduction, etc. The Toilet Seaters, as we will call ourselves, will bring crates full of toilet seats and distribute accordingly. Education will of course be important – the poor don’t yet know how much they can really enjoy themselves on the crapper. We can use live demonstrations and interactive participation to teach and to excite. These events will probably be attended entirely by men.

The world is crying out for our help and we sit idly on our porcelain thrones. After you’re done, it’s time to act, to bring an essential comfort to the billions of poor around the world.

It’s what Jesus would do.

*I think by now we can safely say the talking about pooping is something women just don’t enjoy the way men do. This is not sexist, it’s just a fact.

**50 points to anyone who got this reference.