Reclaiming the House

There´s poop everywhere. My stored food has been replaced by 600 large cockroaches and the walls are black and throbbing with the movement of ants. An adult tiger with a severed leg in its mouth lies on my bed and growls as if to say, “I´m a Yankees fan.”

This is what I dread discovering when I come back from a long trip. Spending more than two or three consecutive days out of site is like sending an open invitation to Nature with the headline, “Open Bar and Toilet” – I know I´ll be invaded, I just don´t know to what extent or by whom.

So after a week out of site, I walk up to my house and wonder: flooding? Infestation? Break in? Radioactive super-sized cockroaches with large teeth and semi-automatic weapons? Only one thing is certain – there will be bat poop.

On August 18^th, I returned from a week away and approached my house with these concerns. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open and prepared to be surprised. I did a quick sweep to check for new residents – rats, bats, tigers, etc. – then swept the floor with a flashlight beam to assess the Poop Situation.

About ten separate bat droppings and several unidentified turds. Luckily, I´m Extremely Intelligent and put newspaper under popular bat “hangouts” (hahahahahahahahaha), so cleanup was quick. As I recovered the droppings, I found two frogs, who seemed shocked that I had the gall to move back into my own house.

Not bad. I hadn´t left any food out and nothing new had added its name to the mailbox. An hour of house recovery and cleaning is remarkably low.

Leaving means losing ground. Some face rodent or insect infestation, leaks, flooding, snakes, or scorpions. One volunteer found a parrot. I´m mentally and generally physically prepared for any of these occurrences. But God help me if I find a Yankee-loving tiger.