An Open Letter to the Person that Pooped on my Toilet Bowl

I expect unpleasant surprises when I come back from trips out of my site. Stephen Hawking reminds us that chaos is the natural order of things and that an unattended house is perfect proof of this theory. Normally, the chaos and ensuing surprises are created by animals, insects and nature. These annoy but don't bother me nearly as much as human acts. Mice don't know that they're plundering my house and then pooping in it – they just follow their noses. However, humans choose to steal or vandalize or otherwise maliciously affect my temporarily vacant living space.

So far, these malicious acts have been minimal. Someone once stole my clothesline (really?) and a different time someone emptied my shampoo bottle and filled it with water. Like I wouldn't notice. But I remember those occurrences not so much because they hurt my feelings or made me feel threatened, but because they were so ridiculously trivial and unnecessary.

This past week though, you did something beyond forgiveness: you pooped on my toilet seat.

Really dude, you pooped on the toilet seat? ON it? We may be in the boonies but almost every family here has access to a latrine or has at least used one. Which means they know that you poop in the hole. Even if, somehow, you have never seen a toilet seat or a latrine, it's pretty fucking self explanatory. Poop IN the hole. IN it.

I'll even give you the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe you had raging diarrhea and didn't quite make it to a full seated position. Happens to the best of us brother, but what do we do afterwards? CLEAN. IT. UP. Did you notice the state of the toilet bowl before you sat on it? White. Did you notice the state after? BROWN. Fucking brown because you POOPED on it.

Am I angry? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Flabbergasted, perplexed, annoyed and irate? Yesyesyesyes. I see no cultural forgiveness in this situation, no other side of the coin. They say not to put black and white hats on any judgment but I'm judging black black black on this one.

The solution here would be to either bring my toilet seat back up to the house after every use or put a locked door on my latrine. It seems pretty pathetic to have to do either. I don't care if you use my latrine, so long as you use the latrine. As in, the hole that already has a pile of shit inside.

There are few things I'd rather do than clean someone else's feces. One is punch myself to death. Another is go to a country music festival. I'm brainstorming and having a hard time thinking of many others.

But you, whoever you are, I'm going to clean up your poop and put my toilet seat back in my latrine and maybe a sign with some instructions (i.e. 'IN the hole'). And if I ever find out who you are, I'm going to go to your house and poop in your living room.