What Would Buffy Do?

You’d think they’d have learned by now, but then they have brains the size of air molecules and apparently love dark, smelly places. Faithful followers of this blog already know that I’m talking about bats. Again. I haven’t counted, but I’d wager about half my entries are about trying to kill bats. Well, another one bites the dust.

Actually, he’s probably biting feces, if his jaw still works. Earlier today, I was sweeping in my house when I experienced a feeling unique to my time in Peace Corps: sweeping, sweeping, everything’s fine, sweeping if I don’t poop right now I’m going to poop on the floor.

So I walk, quickly but carefully, to the latrine, open the lid and…bat. Hanging inside and sleeping. Seriously, bat? Do you not have a sense of smell? Do you like being killed by blunt force? Do you realize how badly I need to poop? I tried reasoning with him thus, but apparently this bat had not yet developed verbal communication, so I considered my other options.

PETA would probably have recommended relocating the bat to a luxury apartment and sending it piles of fruit every three days. As tempting as that sounded, I deferred to the Age Old Question: What would Buffy the Vampire Slayer do?

Luckily, when I was in middle school, my sister watched approximately 100,000 hours of Buffy, so I can get away with admitting that I also watched about 100,000 hours without sounding like a sissy. 

Right? 

I also know exactly what Buffy would have done.

I picked up a conveniently located pointed stick and stabbed. Stepping back, I prepared for a Buffy-esque spinning back heel kick but instead heard a dull thud below. Which is probably for the best, since I’ve never actually attempted a spinning back heel kick.

Keeping PETA in mind, I was concerned that the bat wasn’t warm enough and that a PETA representative might pop out of the woods and point this out, so I pooped on the bat and closed the lid.

Buffy probably would have done the same.